Heartbreak
by Jemaaa.2009
Summary: A young woman with the perfect life takes you on her journey throught grief, as her so called perfect life takes a turn for the worse. Please Read and review:D:D
1. Chapter 1

_**Heartbreak.**_

How do you justify loving one who you cannot?

When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.

You can see a clock, but you can't see the time.  
You can see my face, but you can't see my mind.  
You can see the clouds, but you can't see the wind.  
You saw my love for you begin, but you won't see it end.

Wait for the guy who'll be your best friend, the person who'll drop everything to be with you at any time of the day no matter what, the guy who makes you smile like no other guy can and when he looks at you.. you know he needs you, the guy who thinks your beautiful even when your hairs a mess and you have no make-up on, the guy who will stay awake just 2 watch you sleep, the one who will call you just to hear your voice, but most of all wait for the guy who'll put you at the center of his universe, cuz obviously he'll be at the center of yours.

I love you.

Today when I felt your arms around me, my world disappeared, and even though I knew it was wrong, I just wanted you to hold me forever

You know you're in love when you can say anything to the person and you know they won't laugh at you. When you can see their face when you close your eyes. When you can still feel their arms around you holding you tight long after they are gone. When you can still taste their kiss after you have said goodbye. You can tell youre in love when you miss them before they are gone. When their voice lingers in your ears. When their presence eases any pain. When their name sends chills down your spine. When they are the only thing you can think about. You know you are in love when you can see all their hopes and dreams and their soul when you look into their eyes. When they call you at four in the morning, "I love you" and mean it. When your tears stain not only their shirt, but also their heart. When they are hurt just because of these tears. When even a simple chore done with them can become a lasting memory. Ultimately, you know you are in love when you can't imagine living without them, and can't figure how did you live before you knew them. When they fulfill every need and without them you are incomplete. The love of someone else completes the heart, and sound and mind all at once.

Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime, we'll take the best, forget the rest, and somday we'll find these are the best of times

Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt

Love is accepting someone for what they are, yet believing in what they can be.

Breaking up from a loving relationship is never easy for anyone. It can not only break your confidence, make you feel miserable and shatter your spirits, but also make it hard for you to trust anyone in future. Managing heartbreaks is one of the most difficult things to do and it becomes almost impossible if it is your first love. .


	2. Chapter 2

_**Alice, Emmett and Me.**_

"IT'S PERFECT…" I said gently as I gazed up at Emmett with so much love it hurt, he looked back at me with his gorgeous big brown eyes, leant forward and kissed my forehead. We had just chosen the name for our baby. I had found out I was pregnant back in February, after obviously deciding to keep the baby we told our parents and close friends.

Everything was working out great; we had been together almost five years. We were both almost twenty-five and we had decided to move in with each other 2 years ago. It was brilliant, but then we hit a rocky patch and we started to argue. It only went on for a few days but it seemed like forever. Emmett would get up in the morning go straight in the shower through to the kitchen have breakfast shout bye as he was going out the door and go. When we first got together we would try and spend every waking moment together, now we could barely look at each other, as you can imagine life at home was unbearable. That's when we decided we needed to sort things out.

Myself and Emmett went out to asmall resturant in town for a meal. We sat and talked for almost 3 hours. We had finally sorted things; obviously it would take some time for us to get back to how they used to be, but we would get there. We took a slow walk back to our apartment that we had bought together. It was a very simple but quite a stylish apartment with only 2 rooms but it was big enough for us and our soon to be family. When things were back to normal that's when we decided to try for a baby. We thought we were a stable couple with so much love to give we wanted someone to share it with.

We almost gave up all hope of trying when finally I fell pregnant. Everything was going wonderful we spent hours looking in shops and buying the perfect outfit for our beautiful baby girl. She was due November 15th I couldn't wait. We couldn't wait. This was going to be the making of us; we were going to be together forever. Two weeks before I fell pregnant Emmett asked me to marry him, the answer was obviously yes. We spent hours planning and just talking about how wonderful our big day was going to be. I had chosen my dream dress and thanks to mine and Emmett's hard work, I got it.

We decided to get married after I had had the baby so that she could be there. I know you may think it's stupid buying my wedding dress before I had the baby but I thought it would be a good goal to work towards for me to get back into shape. My goal was to fit in my wedding dress, I was going to try and resist having it made bigger but I was only willing to do that if things went pear-shaped and I didn't get back into shape as quick as I needed to.

Before I knew it I was just over 7 months pregnant, I was told everything was fine with the baby, the name we had chose was Alice.

It was six weeks before Alice was due and I was getting ready for bed. I put on my pyjama top and bottoms and went through to the bathroom to put the clothes I had been wearing into the wash basket. I suddenly felt the need to go to the toilet, then I realised it was too late, I thought for a second I had wet myself, which seems stupid but I did, then I realised. My waters had broken.

"EMMETT!" I screamed down the stairs. Emmett came running up the stairs with a look of terror on his face.

"My waters have broken…" A blank yet sort of panic stricken look took over his innocent his face.

"Right. We need to get you to the hospital Rosalie, and quite fast. You know what I'm like?!"

Yes I did know what he was like I knew he was a worrier; I was going to be fine for a while yet. Well long enough to get to hospital anyway. Except I knew that if I said I was fine he would worry even more, then he would be in hospital before I was!

"Ok. Grab my bag and let's go and have this baby."

Emmett ran through to the spare room; well Alice's room now, and grabbed my bag, which I had packed previously as a just in case thing.

As we got downstairs I felt sudden rush of pain, and I mean pain! It was excruciating pain.

When we finally reached the hospital, which was only a few miles a way but it seemed like it took an eternity to get there; by this time the contractions were only a few minutes apart. When the midwife told me to get onto the bed and get into my preferred birth position that I had chosen from the antenatal classes my mind just went totally blank. I couldn't remember anything, which kind of made me panic a little just in case I needed to remember something important and I couldn't, but eventually I just ended up lying on my back.

After hours of screaming, sweating, swearing, crying and everything else that come with child birth, I was not expecting the news that was coming. When Alice had finally made her entrance, I expected to hear her crying, but I couldn't. The doctors said something which I couldn't quite hear through my own panting, and took her off into another room. I was looking at Emmett and the expression on his face was unexplainable; he face looked scared and like he was looking off into the distance at the same time.

"What's wrong? Is she okay?" I panted, looking up desperately at Emmett

He wasn't answering me. I asked again.

"Emmett. Is she okay?!" this time he just looked to the side, like you do when you think you hear something and kind of turn toward where you hear the sound? then he looked back to the same spot again. By this time I was getting extremely annoyed as neither the doctors nor Emmett would answer me. Emmett turned to me and said to wait there, which I think was a pretty stupid thing to say as it was very unlikely that I was going to go anywhere, and he left the room through the door that the doctors had taken Alice. Now I was worried, I was trying my hardest to hold back the tears but I couldn't do it, my eyes were stinging like crazy I had to let go. I began to sob, Emmett seemed to be gone a while but it was actually only around a minute or so. I was past worried and annoyed now, I was angry, so much so that it made me cry even more and harder, but instead I tried to hold it back, and eventually I pulled myself together a little and I took the deepest breath I could and I screamed.

"WHATS HAPPENING TO MY BABY GIRL??????" the room fell silent.

Emmett walked back through with tears trickling down his face. I had never seen him cry like that before, and yet I looked at him, and the expression on his face was all I needed, I knew what had happened. I had lost my baby girl. I didn't know what to do, I just took a deep breath and let go, and I sobbed harder than I had ever done before. My beautiful baby girl had died, I never saw her, they just whisked her off away from me. Emmett came to the side of the bed and hugged me tight, I don't know what it was but I could tell by the way he was hugging me it wasn't like his usual gentle hug; he squeezed me closer to him than he has ever done before, we cried together and slowly the midwives and doctors left the room, each and every one saying sorry as they left, soon it was just me and Emmett left in the gloomy little room on our own.

We spent the rest of the night alone. We sat in silence, just laid in the hospital bed, cuddled together. We were both thinking of what had happened that day and how much things can change in an instant. We laid there for hours, awake, we fell asleep late, very late, and I am talking early hours of the morning here; and even then, I don't know about Emmett but I certainly did, I had dreamed about her. Dreaming of her growing up and how beautiful she would be. How happy she would be, how we would go out together, on holiday, to the park, to mine and Emmett's parents, her grandparents, our siblings houses, her aunties and uncles. Moving out of the flat, into a bigger house, having another baby, watching them grow up together. One big happy family as they say.

The following afternoon we went home, only a few words were exchanged between us all the way home. Neither of us went in the spare room, I don't think we could face it yet. All we did was close the door. We sat and rang friends and family to tell them the devastating news, I didn't beat around the bush I just told them straight. Some offered to come round and help us, but honestly? I didn't want to go near anyone, not even Emmett, even though now was probably the time I would need him the most. He did the same, rang family and friends to tell them what had happened.

The phone was being used constantly, there was always someone that had heard the news and wanted to say how sorry they were and all the other things people say at times like that, but do you know what? I didn't listen to any of it. I was way too distracted, all I wanted was to sit alone and cry, I had just lost my little beautiful baby Alice. Don't people understand that???

Things grew more and more awkward between me and Emmett. It was almost 3 weeks since Alice died and neither of us had set foot in her room, we couldn't face it. Emmett had gone back to work and was trying to carry on as normal but I simply couldn't, I didn't know how he could. We started to argue again. This time the arguments were my fault, though I wouldn't admit it I could see it was me that was the problem, but how could I let it go?

I found it really difficult and Emmett knew that, and he did give what space I needed and he left me when I wanted to be left but I could see I was getting on his nerves. I was single handedly ruining our relationship.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Stage One: Shock, Denial, Paris and Carlise.**_

"YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!!" I screamed at him. Truth was, he hadn't. That's what I thought because deep down I knew it was me I just didn't want to accept it.

In my eyes at that specific moment in time everything had been perfect for me until he came into my life. Even when he was there everything seemed perfect. Why did he have to go and ruin it?

I needed to calm down. I had to get out. I needed some space, I couldn't handle this, and my whole world was slowly crumbling away from around me. So I walked out, I was in a mess, tears streaming down my face. That was it, which was the end. I had loved him so much and he had thrown it all back in my face. I know that wasn't the case and I am sure he thought exactly the same about me? In fact I think he probably hated me right now.

I knew thinking like that was wrong. I couldn't blame him for me not being able to get over my baby's death. I knew it was wrong when I came back and he and all his things had gone. He had left me as he could no longer take the strain of my grief; he was able to get over this bump in the road whereas I found it like climbing an ever growing mountain.

By the time I had got back I had decided that I wanted to apologise to Emmett and that I wanted to make a go of things and hope that they would work. But to my amazement, well actually I don't know why I was amazed really, I don't blame him; but he had gone… all of his clothes, shoes, wash things, there was no trace of him, it was like he had never been there.

Weeks later things were still not the same, I was getting good at covering up my true feelings to those around me. Bottling them up, and keeping them locked away in a dark corner of me that no-one new about. There were only two people that could tell that something was wrong no matter how big the smile on my face was. They were Maggie and Tanya. They had been my best friends since secondary school, they were the ones who could tell everything that was wrong; I couldn't hide it from them, they could just tell somehow, they were the only people who I could show I was still grieving for Alice and they was the only ones who didn't sit and only talk to me about how sorry they were that this had happened to me and how I was to try and get my life back together.

I had cut myself off from everyone around me, I never spoke to anyone I hardly ever went out, for once in my life I was a massive indolent slob.

As I had been living on my own I had become in denial, as I still had a little of my baby bump left I kind of imagined myself as being pregnant still, and that Emmett was still at work, and I would even sometimes make a meal that was meant to be just for me but I would get caught up in my imaginary world and make a meal like the ones I would make for my fiancé for when he got home. Sometimes I would stop and think to myself that this was wrong, that I shouldn't be behaving like this. I should be getting on with life; I should try and forget the pain that those two human beings had caused me. Except I couldn't, it made me feel better, it numbed the pain of what was happening to me in the real world. Living in this imaginary world actually helped me a great deal at a time like this. It also made it easier for me to slowly accept how my life as changed suddenly, going from a perfect family fairytale to my worst nightmare in the space of a few months or so.

One of the days when I was cleaning the apartment, Maggie came around; she stopped me working, which I was quite reluctant to do as the place was like a bomb had been detonated and, as I had also been feeling quite ill lately. Maggie sat me down and simply said

"You're in the first stage."

I simply replied with what? And a puzzled look on my face.

"You're going through the seven stages of grief. This is what happens after a person has been through a series of events such as yours."

I had secretly thought that something along those lines has been happening all along I just did want to accept it and you probably had aswell. "Yes. I know there is no need to sit me down and point it out like that is there?"

"No. that's not what I mean. I meant you are going to go through the seven stages of grief. At the moment you are in shock and denial, which is simple really. You don't want to accept the fact that your baby had died and your fiancé has, and I don't mean to be rude, but left you, and this is one of the stages, that explains your behaviour recently"

I didn't answer her, I just sat and thought. I knew I was going through grief but I never thought about the way I was acting, I never thought I was behaving differently to how I normally do.

Later that evening when Maggie had left I sat and thought some more about my 'First Stage' as Maggie called it. After a while of thinking I came to the conclusion that she was right. I also decided that I needed to get out. It was nearly summer time and I needed to go and get my new summer clothes so I thought about a little retail therapy might do the trick and make me snap out of this dodgy mood I seemed to be in. So, I organised for me and a group of close friends to go to Paris for a good time, as I desperately needed to get away, and also hopefully try and fit in some shopping!

It was getting really close to our departure date and we were all getting really excited. Me, Tanya, Maggie, Heidi and Esme had decided that we were going to get the train to France and go from there. When I was packing back at home with the girls I was beginning to think, 'oh my god what am I doing? I should be here crying over my baby and my fiancé.' But then I thought… What's the point? I shouldn't be wasting my time crying over something that happened 3 months ago. I should have been through my seven stages by now at least twice over?!

We had an amazing week. One of the days we decided to hit the really expensive shops which I _LOVED_. When I look back I realise that I was having so much fun I had forgotten about Emmett and alice and what had happened to me lately. I adored the feeling that came with that, it was like the warm fuzzy feeling that everybody loves. When I sat thinking about this I had decided. I don't want to be the broken hearted girl anymore.

After a good few hours of retail therapy; we decided to go to a café. We hit the road and came to a little café on the side of a country road. As we got out of the car I walked round slowly so I could get a glance inside to see if there were many people, fortunately there wasn't so I began to walk at a normal pace - please bare in mind that this was all in the space of around 5 seconds, I'm that weird to walk in slow motion around café windows.

As I walked through the door I wasn't concentrating on where I was walking because I was looking at my phone, a young, and I must say, a rather good looking man barged into me and spilt coffee all down my new white blouse. At anyone else I would have been furious, but when I looked up at his piercing, bright green eyes, he just had one of those faces I couldn't be angry with. There just seemed to be no fault with him. His skin was flawless and his features in perfect proportion to the rest of his face.

"Oh my! I am so sorry" he said in an utterly beautiful voice. Yet as he looked at me I seemed to have the same effect on him. All time seemed to slow down around us.

"No seriously it's fine… I'm Rosalie by the way." That was all I could think of to get us talking, and I have used it many times to find it actually works.

"Are you sure? ...I'm Carlise." His voice was so beautiful, like a bird's song. We seemed to be having two conversations at once, asking two questions separately then replying in different times, well you know what I mean…

The conversation continued a little and he ended up me buying him a coffee as I thought it was my fault for not looking where I was going and concentrating on other things instead of what I should be doing**;** and he bought me a cup of tea as he thought it was his fault for exactly the same reason. When we sat down and began to talk we realised that we had only lived a few miles from each other back in London. When I thought about it I had actually seen him around a few times. We continued to talk for almost an hour and we discovered that we had really hit it off, Tanya and the rest of the girls had left a while ago but Carlise said he would take me back to the hotel. On the way to take me back he was quite quiet compared to how he had been talking in the café, so I tried to make conversation. I asked where he was staying and to my surprise he said he had a house here, he said he would show me one time; which sounded good as that meant that he was going to take me out again.

When we arrived outside the hotel he got out and opened the door for me. Such a gentleman. When I had got out I simply said thank you, goodbye and that I would hope to see him again sometime, you may have noticed but I was hinting that I _would_ like to see him again, but obviously he didn't catch on. Or so I thought.

As I was walking back towards the door of the hotel I heard him shout my name. I turned around like lightening.

"Sorry if you think this is a bit soon but, would you like me to show you my house tomorrow?"

I know it sounds like something out of a really cheesy film but it was a really beautiful moment. I simply replied with;

"Yes. That would be wonderful" and the nicest smile I could do. Which obviously was good enough as I got the most elegant smile back that I had ever seen from a man's face.

When I got back to the room I told the girls what had happened, they all thought it was lovely, so romantic, and also it was the best thing that had happened to me in ages. Well this meant that I was topic of the conversation for the night. Me and everyone else thought that this was a really good thing to happen, but someone had to drop a bombshell didn't they?? Now normally I would say something back but seeing as is was Tanys I listened; considering she was the one that was normally right aswell!

She didn't necessarily say anything nasty about what had happened she plainly said the truth. She said that maybe it was a bit too soon to be doing things like this as I was still in my first stage aswell.

That made me think what I was doing. Was this right? I should never have come here. I was right to think that I should be back in London thinking about Alice and Emmett and that also made the think, I really need to sort out Alice's room. I can't leave it like that; people will think I have some strange obsession with baby things when I'm not even pregnant. When I got home I needed to take it apart and start a fresh. Another reason I couldn't go any further with Robert was, what if it didn't work? What if we fell out like me and Emmett had? I really didn't want another relationship to end like the other one.

I mused over this for hours. Deciding whether to go with Carlise tomorrow; or follow my friend's advice from earlier that night? Why did life have to be so difficult? Why couldn't we all just live the simple life?

Eventually I decided. I came to the decision that I would go but then at the end I would try and tell him that I couldn't do this right now, that I had just had a lot happen to me in the last few months and that I am not sure whether I can handle a relationship. I knew that this decision could be a _big_ mistake. What if I broke it off now thinking couldn't handle it, and then never find anyone like him again? Maybe I could afford to take that chance. Finally after about another hour I came to a final decision. I was going to go out with him to see his house –which I was quite intrigued to see. Then at the end, as it was my last day anyway I would tell him I probably couldn't see him again and I would give him my number and hopefully get his in return. Then when I got back to England I would try and sort my life out. Get through grief as quick as possible, then ring or text him to see if he would like to go out one night for a meal with me. He will have probably forgotten who I am by then but oh well; it was worth a shot!


	4. Chapter 4

_**Stage Two: Pain, Guilt, England and Numbers.**_

As soon as we got to the England train station I knew what was coming and all I wanted to do was crawl away and hide in a little corner until all this had blown over. I really wanted just to get back on the next train to Paris and go and see Carlise. I had realised that this trip that _I_ organised was a bad idea. I realised that I was just running away from everything; and I also realised that running to Paris doesn't help, it just makes it worse when you come back especially as I had met such a wonderful man. Who was on my mind constantly? In fact I was very tempted to text him to see when he was back in London so we could go out and I could run away from everything for just a little bit longer.

When I got home I really didn't want to go in. but I had to; so I just took a deep breath and opened the door and all I got was a big gust of wind that smelt of Emmett. Oh I have never wanted to cry so much in my life. I thought I could handle it? I can handle it. So I know it sounds a bit weird but I started talking myself through things. I started by unpacking my things so I sat in my room undid my case and started putting clothes back in my drawers and hanging clothes up, but that didn't last long I got distracted and found myself wandering into Alice's room.

All I did was position myself in the doorway look at what was in the room, a small, elegant white cot, with a little mobile that played a beautiful song, I could listen to it over and over again, that she would fall asleep to, a rocking chair for me and Emmett to rock her to sleep in our arms and read her stories as she got older. Shelves for all her teddies and a big toy box full of toys me and Emmett had bought her and other members of our families.

All of a sudden I got the unexpected feeling of guilt over come me. I thought I had better sit down; so I went and sat in the big rocking chair in the corner of the room... Pain soon came to merge with the guilt and I all of a sudden thought… 'It's my fault.' Well it was what if I hadn't been so off with Emmett? What if maybe I had eaten well? What if I had relaxed more? What if I had paid more attention to what my baby needed instead of what I needed?

The pain was unbearable; I just sat and cried at the fact that I had practically killed our baby. I was scared; I didn't know what to do? I thought about going to the police, but then I thought that they would just think I was mental? I didn't know what to do, I was terrified that if someone caught on and thought about it like I had that every one would hate me and turn me in anyway so I may aswell be the decent person and do it myself.

I needed to tell someone. So I rang Tanya and then I rang Maggie. I said exactly the same thing to both.

"Tanya? I'm a murderer." I said through the tears that were running down my face like athletes sprinting towards the finish line.

"Rosalie don't be stupid, you must be in the second stage;" she must have known what was going on with me better than I did.

"What? …What's the second stage? Realise what you've done stage???" okay I admit I was a bit angry there but if you was me then, or in my situation you would understand what I meant and how I felt?

"No it's not whatever you just said, now I don't mean to be rude Rosalie, but please babe; get a grip, I need you to concentrate. You _HAVEN'T_ killed your baby, you lost your baby, and it's_NOT_ your fault. It was just fate. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, you will find your chance soon."

I was very reluctant to say it but I said okay. I don't know how she can't realise what I have done? Maggie couldn't see it either. I was beginning to wonder whether they were actually listening to what I was saying. I had _KILLED_ my baby; she had died and it was my fault. I don't know how anybody couldn't understand that.

Every one I rang was saying the same as Tanya and Maggie. So I began to think maybe they were right? I decided to look on the internet, just to be sure. It had been that long since I had used the laptop that I had forgotten where I had put it, it took me literally hours to find it, when I finally did I opened it up and turned it on to find my favourite picture of me and Emmett as the front wallpaper. The first thing I did was upload my pictures from Paris on to the laptop and put my favourite one of me and the girls as the wallpaper; that cheered me up a little. Then I set out to do what I had got the blasted thing out for, looking for what the seven stages of grief were that Tanya and Maggie kept going on about. I soon found it and scrolled down to what it said about stage two. I was looking for one that Maggie and Tanya were talking about on the phone earlier, Pain and Guilt. I eventually found one. It read…

'_Pain and Guilt:-  
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs._

_You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.'_

Well I had certainly gone through that this month!  
I read a couple more definitions and then I gradually began to agree with what they were saying. It seemed to make sense to me, like it said in the above response I must not try and escape my feelings with alcohol or drugs, which to be honest I hadn't thought about until now! I didn't think that would help anyway. Just create more problems for me?!

Days went by and I was just sat in my pyjamas, watching rubbish on the daytime telly. Recently because of what had happened my boss has given me some time off work to try and get over it and my head around what had happened so that when I went back to work I wouldn't be daydreaming all the time thinking about my own problems. But as it had been so long since I had even spoken to my boss, or even thought about going to work that surely they must have thought I was either going nuts and just locking myself in my house or that I had disappeared or something as nobody had seen me in almost a week now.

My days were spent looking through the television guide wondering if there was anything interesting on telly for once, or reading. I spent a lot of time reading, I read almost every book I had, now that isn't a lot but it is for me so in a was I was quite proud of myself. The rest of the time I had I spent looking at Carlise's number in my phone; I was desperate to ring him; I just really wanted to talk to him. When we were in Paris I felt as if I could say anything to him, and it wouldn't shock him, his expression to everything I said I was going through seemed like one a person pull if they had done and been through it all before. I didn't tell him everything if that's what you're thinking? I thought about it but then I still thought he might run away and not want to speak to me as I looked like a lunatic.

I really wanted to ring him or just text him, I spent hours of a day thinking of what I could text him, without sounding needy.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Stage 3: Anger, Bargaining and Going Out For Dinner.**_

So, according to the internet my next stage was anger and bargaining, this meant that I was about start feeling quite angry, where I release all the feeling and etc I have been holding or bottling up this past 6 months. When I read it, the internet said that I might even start to question myself unconsciously. When I had finished reading opinions and things on the internet I shut the laptop up and went through to the kitchen.

"Rubbish, never trust the internet." And as I walked into the kitchen I walked past Alice's room and a question popped into my head, Why Me?? Why was it always me that got the bad news? Then I thought there must be hundreds of thousands of people going though the same thing. Why did I think I was the only one that was going through this? How selfish is that? Then I thought to myself 'stop it Rosalie This is stupid.' And I tried my hardest to stop thinking about things like that.

Okay so I was starting to do things that the internet said. I was thinking okay I had better stop now. It's getting a bit strange, all this talking to myself, it wasn't normal; I needed to stop. I had stopped the questions for a while now and was starting to forget about the stages and just carry on. I found that if I thought about it I would end up asking myself questions or doing whatever that stage said I should do. In a way it made me feel better that I was doing it and that I wasn't taking forever because, honestly, I just wanted to get through this as fast as possible so that I could get on with my own life.

Later that night Tanya rang to see how I was getting on and if I was okay, but to her disbelief, and mine, I ripped her head off!! I don't know what came over me? I just let rip and went wild at her! I'm not even sure what I was shouting at her about now! At the end she just said okay I will leave you now; and hung up. I think she knew what was happening but I still felt guilty about the matter. In fact it was more than guilt it was that I was fuming with myself for yelling at her like that.

When I thought I had calmed down enough I rang her back and apologised, and then I explained what my next stage was and so if I do flip that I am saying sorry in advance. she said that she already knew that i was in that stage from my performance earlier, i was glad that she wasn't angry with me though, it just proved what wonderful friends i have.

I had finally decided also that; the dilemma I had earlier of whether to call or text Robert to see if he had got back yet? I had decided that I was going to text him. I hadn't quite decided what though. I sat for hours thinking about this.

Finally I had decided, and I text him saying.

'Hello you. Not seen you in a while, how's things? Do you fancy meeting up if your back? Rosalie x'

I thought that the text was reasonable and that it didn't seem that I was being really clingy or pushy.

I sat and waited for a reply. Which was probably a bad idea as I just made me feel paranoid that he didn't like me, as I was expecting one to come through from Carlise almost straight away? I sat with my phone in my hand constantly. For the next three days I was constantly checking it. By Wednesday I had started to give up. Then on Wednesday afternoon just as I was just putting my jacket on to nip to the shop, I got a reply…

'Hello. I'm doing good thanks. How about you? yes I'm back and I would love to meet up. Carlise x'

That very text made my day; in fact it made the rest of the week for me. We had carried on texting throughout the week and we had decided that we were going to go out on Saturday evening.

Now I just had to decide what to wear. I thought I would ring Tanya – she always looks picturesque.

Friday me and Tanya had decided was shopping day. We were going to go on a girl's day out in town shopping. Tanya came round to mine at ten, she drove us into the town centre and we had a magnificent day shopping. I bought more than I needed obviously but it took my mind of things, I got around 10 different outfits, it almost broke the bank but he was worth it. Not that he would see me in all of them in one night obviously, but I had at least the next 9 dates worth, sorted of what to wear.

The one I was going to wear tonight was my favourite, to make a good impression, not that I needed to really but it would help a little.

Saturday morning. Tanya had stayed at mine last night as we had quite a bit to drink last night, and she wasn't able to drive so I let her sleep on the sofa. When she got up this morning she said she would help me choose what to wear and do my hair and make-up for me. I loved having things like that being done, all the pampering. It made me feel so relaxed, I loved it.

It was almost time for Carlise to arrive; he said he would pick me up at 7. It was quarter to. Okay so now I was getting nervous, I had that butterfly feeling you get when your boyfriend first comes round to your house to meet your parents; not sure how it will turn out. Then the doorbell went, I asked Tanya how I looked and she replied…

"Absolutely beautiful, he will love it" with a smile. I went to answer the door. I put my hand on the handle took a deep breath, and opened the door. There he was; a picture. He was wearing a suit, a kind of grey but the metallic type if you know what I mean. A thin tie, his hair messy but smart and a single rose in his hand. A smile that showed his teeth, which I had never seen before, but it was beautiful.

"Wow, you look amazing Rosalie." He said as he looked at my outfit.

"You don't look that bad yourself." I said with a big grin. He came in and we had a glass of wine each and then we went. He was being a true gentleman. He opened all the doors for me and helped me into and out of the car even held the chair for me in the restaurant. We ordered our food and we was sat talking for a lengthy amount of time, hours in fact. There was never a moment where we weren't talking, I adored everything, and everything we talked about seemed to fascinate me. I could listen to him talk for days. Then it came for me to tell him about me, I was trying to avoid this for as long as possible. I wasn't sure whether to tell him about Alice. But I thought what if I didn't maybe if he found out that I had kept that from him he wouldn't want to speak to me anymore. I decided I would tell him.

" Well, I have been going through stages this year." I tried my hardest not to tell him but I shouldn't have said anything as it just mad him more interested to find out what I was going through.

"Stages?" he asked.

I was going to have to tell him."Well, about a year ago now I was engaged and I was pregnant, everything was going fine, until I went into labour and the baby was still born. Everything went downhill from there. I was depressed, me and Emmett, my fiancé, broke up, and then I went through grief. Well actually if I'm honest I'm still going through grief." I looked down at the table while I was saying this; I was scared to look at him in case his expression was something I didn't want it to be. Or even to see if he had gone.

He didn't say anything when I looked up, he was still there but he just seemed astonished.

"You hid that well." He joked.

"I know" I laughed with him. "I'm getting good.

I felt a million times better once I had heard him laugh, it comforted me. I felt relieved aswell at the fact that he now knew about my past and what I had been through and what I am still going through. I was also relieved at his reaction. I was surprised that he hadn't got up and walked out like I was expecting him to do.

The rest of the night was like a dream, we sat talking more about both of us and we were one of the last few people in the restaurant. When we had finished he paid the bill and we went. He once again held the doors and helped me in and out of the car. He even walked me back to the door of my apartment. This would be the moments in the films where I would invite him in for coffee and, well you know how the rest goes.

Well I thought I would invite him in for wine though, I had opened a bottle last night and since we had only had two glasses out of it so I thought we may aswell finish the bottle.

Surprisingly he agreed. He came in and we finished the bottle and another one, we just sat talking all the time, if you asked me what we was talking about I couldn't tell you. I just spent all the time gazing into his big green eyes. I can remember him leaving and me really not wanting him to go, but he had to.

The rest of the night I just spent thinking about him. I even think I had a dream about him. I was so glad I had met him, it was just the lift I needed right now. I was hoping that he would be thinking the same as me. I couldn't wait to see him again.

My life was finally beginning to get better.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Stage 4: Reflection, Loneliness and Unexpected Visits.**_

So I was past half way. It had only taken me a year to get this far. The other Saturday I had the time of my life. I was so happy that day and even for days afterwards!

I had book marked a page on the internet about the seven stages and I was checking it every couple of days. I was moving quite quickly through the stages now. I had done the last one in month! This stage is apparently the one where everything starts to pick up again, where life starts to get better. On the website I had book marked it said…

_Stage 4- Reflecting and Loneliness-  
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving._ _During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair._

So this meant that people around me should be thinking that I should be getting on with things and I should be depressed, I should be thinking about what had happened but not thinking it was my fault. I had stopped thinking it was my fault a while ago. I had realised that Tanya and Maggie were right. There was hundreds of thousands of mothers and fathers going through the same thing as me, some were not so lucky as to have such amazing friends that I did. Though it meant that I shouldn't really take advice from people around me. I should just get on with things. I should also realise the true magnitude of my loss, which I think I had a long time ago. In fact I think that I have done this whole stage in separate places. This one I think is just another time for me to think about Sophie and what has happened, and learn to accept it.

Carlise made an unexpected visit that afternoon, which in all helped a great deal. He sat and spoke to me about it all. I did say to him at one point that already this must be getting on his nerves and he said it wasn't he said that he was fascinated by it all. I said that if I seemed a bit down that it was normal. That I was fine but it was a part of grief that I should be feeling like this.

He left later that night which left me time to think some more; and I had decided that about three things I was absolutely sure. Carlise was the man of my dreams, but there was a part of me and I don't know how controlling that part of me was that was scared, that could make me run away from him, and third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

For the next few days I had isolated myself. I had just gone back to sitting around with the television on but not watching it. I was just sat in my pyjamas thinking about the 2 people that I had loved and lost and the 3rd that I loved, and I _wasn't_ going to loose.

For the next week or so, Carlise made unexpected visits all the time, the were just completely spontaneous he would never call before hand he would just simply turn up, which I actually quite enjoyed, I cherished the feeling that came with the surprise. He knew I loved this and carried on doing it for weeks, in fact he still does it now, he catches me doing something and I have to stop and talk to him, I just can't resist, he is just one of those people that you can sit and talk to for hours and never get bored – not like you do with most people.

I loved him so much.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Stage 5: Upwards Turns and Moving To America.**_

Things were starting to get better. My depression, or reflection and loneliness had almost gone I was on my 5th stage, only two more to go.

This is the stage where everything starts to get better; hence the 'upwards turns.' Since the last stage a lot has happened. Me and Carlise have moved in together, things have been going great. We have been talking lately though, nothing bad, infact it was a dream that we both share; we both want to go to America. We both want to go and live what they call the American Dream. I personally had dreamed of moving there since I was twelve or thirteen, I also wanted to go around the world. Myself and Emmett had planned to but things didn't quite work as I fell pregnant with Alice and everything afterwards aswell. Me and Carlise had decided that is what we wanted to do, as this country had too many memories for both of us, but we also wanted to have a fresh start. We had been looking for almost a month at houses and visa's and jobs, and we had found them all!

We were going to America. We had found this beautiful house in Palm Springs California. It was a big beautiful house with a big garden and drive and a double garage. It was our dream house.

Now it was 2 days until we leave – I am so excited!! Everything was packed and all we had to do was get it all to the airport and on the plane and we were done, we were living the dream. We sent the last day saying goodbye to friends and family. On the day of the flight we had our whole family there to wave us off. When we were on the plane all I could think of was what our houses was going to look like, we had flown over a couple of times to see it, and to have a look in the flesh at houses, as it's better than looking at pictures.

After a four or five hour flight, we finally arrived, I was so excited, there was a removal van at the airport waiting for us to load our furniture and suitcases and etc into. It was a half hour drive to our new house. When we got there the removal men helped us to get all our things into the house. Then when everything was inside we were left in a house full of boxes, I sighed a sigh of relief.

"Right we'd better get going" and I started to unpack a box. Tonight I just wanted the beds done and the food sorted, so I started Carlise on building the bed while I put the bed covers on, then I went to the shop which was only at the end of the street. All I bought was enough to make a meal for us tonight then when we had finished tomorrow we would go and do a big shop and fill the cupboards. Me and Carlise both had a week before we started our jobs there, in that time we had to get the house sorted and furniture all sorted and in place then when we had a free weekend we could decorate. On my way to the shop I panicked a bit as I didn't really know where I was going, I knew where it was and everything but I have only ever been with Carlise, but I needed him to build the bed.

As I got to the shop I found a car parking place and grabbed my purse and went into the shop, I didn't know where anything was so I was going to look stupid for a while, whilst I found all the things I needed. Then I thought 'Oh no!' I forgot to ask Carlise what he wanted. I will just have to guess. What haven't we had in a while? I eventually decided I would make a stir fry, if I could find my wok back at home in all the boxes. No okay I won't do a stir fry I will just make a burger and chips, so I grabbed some burgers out of the freezers and some chips and went back home.

When I got there Carlise had finished building the bed and was just unpacking other boxes, trying to find all the things to go into the kitchen. I made us some tea and then we went to bed. We were both shattered. For the next week that is all we did, unpack all the boxes, and some days we even went to the local DIY store and bought some extra little drawers and things. Soon the house was all unpacked and all the furniture was sorted, all we needed to do now was decorate but we could do that some other time, when were weren't quite so tired!

I was determined though, like I had always been, I was going to get my perfect house, no matter how long it took. I was living _my _American Dream. Well actually not my American Dream, just my dream, I was so in love and happy it was unbelievable.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Stage 6: Working Through, Reconstruction and Reliving History.**_

So we had been living here for almost a year by this point. We were doing well in our jobs, our house was decorated exactly how we wanted and life was pretty much perfect. We were getting on brilliantly and we loved the weather and just life in this country. It was brilliant. I had nearly done my seven stages. These ones are ones where life gets better though so I don't really notice when I go to the next stage.

Soon things took a bit of a turn though, not necessarily a bad turn, but it did create a bit of a hiccup. I started noticing that I felt as if I was putting weight on so I weighed myself and it turned out I had put on 2lbs, which didn't seem to much so I wasn't really that bothered so I just carried on, then I started being sick, I couldn't help it. I wasn't ill it was just every now and then I would be sick. Carlise said I should go to the doctor but I said I was fine, and that I would get over it soon; but it wasn't until on of my work colleagues said I could be pregnant. Then I thought that is why I was being sick all the time! That is why I have put on some weight, not a lot I will say that but still!

In my brake I drove as fast as I could to the nearest superstore and bought 3 pregnancy tests, best of three right?

When I got to work I went to the loo and did one. I waited 3 minutes and I was reading the result. Positive. Oh my god I was pregnant, no that must be wrong, I will do another one. So I waited an hour and I went and did another one. Waited three minutes. Positive. There was no point in doing another one, I had already got the best of 3 in two go's.

How was I going to tell Carlise? I couldn't I was so scared. What if what happened before happened this time. What if it wasn't meant to be this time either?? When I was driving home I decided that I wasn't going to tell him now, I would tell him a bit later, once I had been to the doctors.

I got home and straight away Carlise knew something was wrong but I was not going to back down. I wasn't going to tell him. So I just went straight upstairs and into the spare bedroom. I stayed there all that night. The next day he tried to talk to me again, but all I could think about was the baby, and because I was so stressed about telling him I just freaked out and went to work almost an hour early.

Things gradually got worse and worse; I knew what was happening, I was reliving history, I was isolating myself, sleeping in the spare room, and before I knew it we started to argue. It only went on for a few days but it seemed like forever. Carlise would get up in the morning go straight in the shower through to the kitchen have breakfast shout bye as he was going out the door and go. It was exactly like it was with Emmett. We had started off like me and Emmett aswell, trying to spend every waking moment together, doing everything for each other. Eventually once again living together became unbearable. We needed to sort things out, especially as I was beginning to show, but I managed o hide it for a little bit longer by wearing baggy tops and trousers.

I eventually plucked up the courage to go and ask him if we can sort things out. He luckily agreed. He said we could go out for a meal, but I said no as I thought that it would be too much like how me and Emmett were and I definitely don't want to go through that again. So we decided we would go shopping.

The next weekend we got ready and we went into the city centre. We walked past all these baby shops and I had the perfect idea of how to tell him. We went for a coffee and we talked things over and sorted them, after an hour or so of shopping we were walking back to the car and I saw that the last shop before the car park was a baby shop.

"Do you mind if we just go in the last shop along here before we go?" I asked knowing that he wouldn't realise it was a baby shop. When we got there he said.

"Why do you want to go in here Rosalie it's a baby shop?" I didn't answer all I did was look down and stretched my top over my little bump.

"Rose you're not. Are you?" he asked with a confused look on his face. Again I didn't say anything all I did was smile, and he knew the answer. He gave me the biggest hug I have ever known him to give me, and a smile I have never seen him do before. He was delighted but I was scared; scared that things would turn out how they did before. I told him so aswell. He reassured me that they wouldn't that they wouldn't be the same that we wouldn't have the same problems that he wouldn't put me through the same things that Emmett had, that we would be together forever.

When I was close to my due date was when I was most scared, this is when my waters broke and everything last time, but when I went past that point still pregnant was when the worry started to ease a little. Soon all this anxiety would be over and I would have a baby.

We decided that we wanted to know what sex the baby was, so when we went for our 20 week scan we found out that we was having a baby boy. We spent days trying to think of a name, looking in books on websites anything, but we couldn't find one that really struck us. Then we found it, we was looking through a book that my mother had sent over from England, of baby boys names. We was looking through it when we saw Edward, we thought it was perfect. I don't know what it was but we just fell in love with that specific name.


	9. Chapter 9

**_Sorry about this one being so short i havent finished it yet, but please review anyway, hopefully i will have this finished soon.

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_**Stage 7: Acceptance, Hope and Edward.**_

It has been 9 weeks since Edward was born; everything was fine, thank god. I was getting in such a state, over what seems like nothing now. Everything is perfect, we have decorated Edward's room, and we have had family fly over last week to come and see us three and our house. They havent been over yet, we have been back to England once but that was to tell them about Edward, they were overjoyed. So were all my friends, i was so happy, i loved my life.

I have finished Grief now. My last stage was acceptance and hope which I completed a long time ago, I accepted what has happened in my past and I have hope that my future will be brighter. I am happy, carlise is happy and Edward is happy. Carlise is a wonderful father an i love him with all my heart, I love where I live and who I live here with. We are hoping to eventually have another baby. Hopefully a little sister for Edward, not just yet though. I know it sounds bad but I don't really think about what happened before Carlise and Edward, but it helps to talk about her sometimes though. I was broken for a long time but it's over now.


End file.
